5/18/14

This whole year has been full of put me downs and I’ll pick you ups. To be quite honest, I’m sick of it. Getting blown off by someone who is supposed to be your best friend, or getting shot down with the words of someone you worked so hard to help build up. I was there for you when those girls treated you like crap. I understood what you felt like, what you were going through. You said, “I don’t understand how you can be best friends with someone and then suddenly treat them like garbage.” Well I think you have found a pretty good understanding because that’s what you’re doing to me right now. The weird thing is, is that you are knocking me down with your words and suffocating me with your actions, but I’m the one who is always apologizing, trying to make things better and fix the broken pieces of our friendship. Will you ever be the one to say sorry first? Or to maybe act like you care? Probably not. I just don’t know if I can do it anymore.

5/11/14

I have always been the person who is there for everyone else. When someone needs a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, I am the one they turn to. When their life is a mess, even when it's their own fault, I am the one to calm them down and help them to see that life can be better. But I feel like a complete hypocrite. I am helping others find happiness while I drown in my own darkness that I am too afraid to let anyone else know about. I watch my life crumble apart as I help others pick up the pieces of their own lives. I feel myself slip further away to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore. Somewhere along the lines I have tried to control my life through controlling food, and when that didn't work I turned to alcohol, drugs, and one night stands to make me feel something besides the emptiness of a starved stomach, heart, and mind. It scares me that I don't know how to get myself out of this hole I have thrown myself into. What scares me more is the fact that I don't care if I ever get out.

5/10/14 - the bad thing

Some people love to do bad things because they like the feeling of rebellion. Some people do bad things because they are trying to get attention. Some people do bad things because they were never taught good verses bad. I know a girl who has been making the same mistake for many years now. At first she didn’t know she was doing anything wrong. Then one day she learned that this THING, this bad THING that she had been doing for so long was not good for her to be doing. For some people, all they need to know is how bad something is, and they can stop it. However sometimes these bad things come with an addiction, something that is hard to let go of. This girl told herself she needed to stop. She made up her mind, and life felt like it was going much better without this bad thing eating her up inside. But everyone knows, there is no such thing as a perfect life. Soon enough a trial hit, and the girl I guess you could say relapsed. This bad THING that makes the girl happy for a short time, turns into guilt. Every single time this bad THING gets the best of her, it leaves her with a pit in her stomach that makes her walk around in shame. She looks at other people with smiles on their faces and their heads held high. Their success and beauty makes her see nothing but failure and ugly when she looks in the mirror. I’ve known this girl for a long time, but now I can only see myself as this THING. 

5/7/14

I had unprotected sex. The next day I took a Plan B birth control pill. It didn't work. I tested positive for pregnancy five weeks later. I carried my baby until he died inside of me at 12 weeks. The doctors said the egg did not implant correctly. I did some research and found that is one way Plan B prevents pregnancy. People can say what they want. They can say I will never really know. But I do know. I killed my baby.

3/1/14

I was once full of life and adventure. I was beautiful, smart, silly. I had friends. True friends. I was driven. I had goals. I celebrated a life worth living. Then, over time, something changed. I got married, had children, settled down and lost myself. I don't blame my husband or children. I blame myself. Now, I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm lazy. I'm a total slob. My friends and coworkers see my past accomplishmens and still expect me to be that person. Truth is, I haven't accomplished a single thing in over ten years. Not one. I have thought about ending my life. But not in the usual way. I'm not going to hurt myself. I have decided that if, by chance, I get sick or have cancer or get into an accident - I will not seek medical care. Maybe, my fat body will take over my heart and it will stop beating. Either way, I doubt anyone will care. Do I want this in my life? No. Why don't I change? Because I'm a failure. Even now, as I write on your blog, I'm alone. My husband and children are having fun for the night. And I am here alone. I think about my kids, my job, my friends, my husband. And I realize that I am but a mist. Here, but not really here. My life is a list of chores to be done. There is no love, no support, no connection. People come and go. They expect me to be a rock. Silent and strong. So I am. Silent. I am nothing. I choose to be nothing. And if anyone knew of my nothingness, would they care? Certainly not my own husband and children. I have asked to be included. Instead, they bond and have adventures, while I am expected to have their laundry done, papers checked, bills paid, dinner cooked and toilets scrubbed when they get home. I'm not counting on a thank you, a hug, a smile or nod from anyone. I just do my chores, go to work, pay the bills and live my nothing life until the day when this Earth can be rid of me and I won't take up any more space that is better used by someone else.